Who am I?

"I'm just a girl with a lot on her mind and a big love for cats.

Just me.
Just meow."

Monday, 22 December 2014

Insecurities pt. 2

Hiya! Guess who's back.. back.. back.. Back aga- 
Okay, I'll stop right away with that.

I'm not exactly sure why I stopped blogging in the first place. Time issues I guess. And I know I will get time issues again, since I'm in my final year of secondary school. So I won't be posting something every week. Although I will try, I know at some point I won't be able to do that. Also, if I hadn't done that in another post, I apologize for bad grammar here and there. English is my best course but it's not my main language. I hope I won't screw it up too much. Bear with me. 

But the title of this post isn't about me picking up blogging again. It's about insecurities, part 2, to be specific. I want to write about this because of my own insecurities, once again.
The last post I did about insecurities was mainly about clothes and dressing the way you want. This one is more about the way you live your life and what will happen to you in the future. A little deeper than the last one, I know. At the moment there's this boy I met on a night out about three weeks ago. I kinda like him and we have talked since we met. But right now, I'm scared he will never reply to me anymore. And it's not the first time that I think that. He has been online and he has read the message I sent, and my insecurities already took over and made me send another 2 or 3 messages. I know, I know, it's bad. And whenever I send something while he didn't respond to another message yet, I feel bad about it right after I send it. My mind goes: "Oh my god, he still didn't respond but he has been online like 5 times. What if he hates me? Or what if he just read the message, then went to do something else and then forgot about it? I'm going to send something after it, and if he responds I know he doesn't hate me, and if he doesn't respond to that either he probably hates me.". And right after I send something, my mind goes: "I shouldn't have done that. Now he's gonna see me as a stalker. Now he definitely won't respond. And what if he really doesn't respond and I was right? What if he DOES hate me? I don't even want to know that.". (I know, I know, typical teen girl behavior, and if he does hate me I should probably just stop giving attention to him, but it's DIFFICULT.)

And then after like a day, that whole thing repeats itself. And now you're probably thinking: But if he doesn't respond for that long, why are you still bothering? There are two reasons. The first one is that he HAS responded to me after like two days in the past, and then we had a very nice and fun conversation and he wasn't annoyed or something like that, which makes me think that the extra messages actually did help. (Silly me.). And the second reason is that he has had surgery, and sometimes he just doesn't respond because he still feels very ill because of the surgery. He told me a couple of days ago he feels better now, but now when he doesn't respond, I try to comfort myself by thinking
 "He probably has a bad day or something". 
Anyway, that is what my brain can't stop thinking about lately and it's absolutely driving me MAD. But while I'm typing this, I also think more and more: WHY ON EARTH DO I WORRY ABOUT THIS SO MUCH? I'm a girl, sixteen years old, and all I can worry about right now is a BOY. It's so typical. And still, even while right now all I'm thinking is "Just forget about him", I can't. It's like I have two people living in my head. One of them is the typical dumb teenage girl, who freaks out about everything and won't accept it when someone doesn't like her because it'll crush her. The other one is the responsible, smart and calm woman, who knows it isn't the end of the world if he will never text back and that I've got plenty of time to find the perfect guy. But for one stupid reason, the dumb teenage girl always wins from the calm woman. And that reason is INSECURITIES. This whole story is just an example, but the situation with the two people in my head and the calm one always losing to the one who freaks out, happens so often, and it makes me mad. I know there are so so so so many people dealing with this, and I'm not saying it's something terrible that will haunt you for the rest of your life. You can overcome it, it's just really hard. But how ridiculous is it, that when you have two options, freaking the fuck out or remaining calm and knowing it will all be okay, YOU ALWAYS GO FOR THE FIRST ONE. Not because you want to, but when you choose for remaining calm, you will still freak out in the back of your head. If anyone reading this has tips about staying calm, and maybe even tips about the whole situation with the guy I described, please comment them. :') The other "insecurities" post I did ended on a positive note, with me encouraging people to overcome their insecurities and just DO what you want to do, but to be honest, I don't really know how to overcome this, so I was hoping people who read this might be able to help! I am not going to read this post after I finish it, because then I will have to delete parts of it because I think it'll look stupid and I don't want that, because I wrote how I feel about it and I want that all to be in it, so I'm sorry if you discover spelling mistakes :'). I will try to make my next post more fun, and not about serious life stuff. :P Thank you for reading!

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